Boundaries and Focus: The Frustrating Path Toward Success

Why do boundaries, fences and restraints bother and frustrate us so much? One reason is that somewhere in our past someone has unfairly boxed us in, and we have decided not to let that happen again.

Or, we have been trained, through the bad experiences of the past, to despise commands, instructions, authority and accountability.

Or, we view any kind of limitation as a rejection of our creativity and our freedom.

Or, our need to self-express is far greater than the need to "work the team agenda," and thus, we reject any attempt, by someone outside ourselves, to direct, channel or control us.

Or, we have never had any good leadership, accountability or management so we really have been left alone to wander, guided by our own impulses, thoughts and ideas about what is right to do.

I had a very interesting experience just last year that helps illustrate this point. A couple of managers called me to inquire about Ann (not her real name), a major-gifts officer (MGO) from another organization whom we worked with at the time. They had an MGO position open and wondered what I thought about her and her work.

I said, "I think Ann is not only a wonderful person but a very good MGO. She is good technically in the area of major gifts, she follows instructions, is a hard worker and is one of the better MGOs I have seen in a long time."

"What?!" they almost screamed. "We heard you thought highly of her, but our experience with her was a disaster. She was lazy, not motivated and more interested in doing her own thing than the work before her. How can you say she is so good? That's impossible!"

I was surprised by their reaction until it suddenly dawned on me what was going on.

Prior to us working with Ann, she had been part of a major-gifts management and strategy system that was broken and failing. The bureaucrat who was in charge of the program for this organization (and Ann) knew a lot about major gifts but practically nothing about managing a major-gifts program, the economics of major gifts and, just as important, how to constructively hold an MGO accountable to do the work she must do.

It was a disaster! In fact, as Jeff and I have looked at all the programs this person managed, they are in such a state of disrepair that it is hard to believe that management allowed the program to continue. But it did, and as a result, Ann suffered, as did many other MGOs.

No one called Ann to a higher place. No one told Ann what was expected. No one corrected or redirected Ann when she was off point or headed down the wrong path. No one encouraged Ann and told her what she was doing right.

And, therefore, no one saw the real Ann! And that is the real tragedy. No one saw the real Ann. Not even Ann herself. Why? Because what Ann needed was direction, accountability and focus. Ann needed boundaries — a clear view of what she was doing right, what was expected, what she needed to stop doing, etc.

That's what we provided Ann. And the real Ann emerged. The beautiful, productive, professional Ann. The Ann her former colleagues just cannot believe really exists. It is a wonderful thing to see.

Jeff and I operate this way in our relationship. We each contribute our strengths to each other and to the work we are committed to doing. That contribution is positive and encouraging. And it is also about accountability, redirection and truth telling. There are times Jeff wants to scream at me in frustration over a suggestion I have made. And there are times I want to whack him in the head for words of truth he has given to me about something I am doing.

Here's the thing: We need this. We need it in all of our relationships. Because, as we have said many times before in this blog, we can't do all of this (work and life) alone. We need the wisdom, truth and experiences of others.

A wise philosopher once said, "There is wisdom in counsel." And it's true.

So when someone in your life — whether it's your boss, colleague, spouse, friend, significant other — when someone wants to speak truth into your life, run toward it and embrace it! It is a gift, not a constraint. It will help you, not hurt you. It will make you better.

I love fences.

—Richard