A Compelling Case for Monthly Giving
The next paragraph is about how some people want to sponsor a boy, others a girl, or a child from Africa or another part of the world. Then:
"But the request we hear most often?
"Tell me about the child who's been waiting the longest."
Ah-ha, there it is. The hook … the thing that reels the potential new sponsor right in. I'd kill that first paragraph and get to this juicy copy quicker. I'd also add some "you" copy. This offer is all about the one-to-one relationship a donor can have with a child in need — "you" copy should be pervasive.
And the story, irresistible
"These are the children who have been waiting the longest, and their stories will break your heart.
"There are children like Alex, a 12-year-old boy who recently watched both his parents die, leaving him with a burden no child should face: caring, alone, for four younger brothers.
"He tends to their needs with the gentle love of a parent, washing them in the bowl that serves as a bath, feeding them from sparse dishes containing a thin and grainy mixture that is far short of the nutrients a child needs, rocking them gently to sleep."
The rest of page one and the top half of page two continue Alex's story in moving detail — how he does not go to school, fearing for his brothers' lives, and he often goes hungry, and so on.
The explanation of how sponsorship works and what's in it for me follow, along with an explanation of Plan's approach to community development and how my monthly gifts will be used.
"And all of it begins in the moment that someone like you decides to sponsor a child. … It's a moment when you tell the child who's waited the longest: You don't have to wait anymore."