More 'Programs and Services'? Really?
How to make it better? Try something like this: "Your gifts help strengthen the estranged family bonds between prisoners and the children they rarely see. The books and libraries you fund are important. But most of all, you help foster much-needed family time, care and attention — not only for the inmates, but for the children who need their love so very much."
What I tried to do was evoke emotion and talk about the end result that the donor is funding. I'm sure it could be better, but I spent a half hour just on those three sentences, trying to get them right. It just takes time.
"The many life-saving programs at the SPCA are made possible because of your donations!"
What's wrong? It uses passive voice: "are made possible." It is organization-focused, rather than donor-focused. It puts the programs before the concept of donating. It's generic and vague: "many life-saving programs."
How to make it better? "Your donations help save lives every day. Your gifts really do give the gift of life to loving, helpless animals — in so many wonderful ways."
"Please join these community leaders in supporting the arts in XXX County!"
What's wrong? "Supporting the arts" is an overused phrase that has little impact. Many arts organizations struggle with meaningful and direct language.
How to make it better? "Please join us and help bring art alive in our county." Or, "Please help bring more art to our community." Try being more direct about what art can do, and avoid stuff you've been saying for decades — such as "support the arts."
The bottom line is that it's hard to come up with something fresh, no doubt, but you have to try.